The Rule Of Reciprocity

In a Huberman Lab Podcast, former FBI hostage negotiator and Author of Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss, mentioned that the strongest relations he built with someone are with people who are genuinely kind, who do something for you without asking for anything in return.

They continue to talk about generosity, and Voss mentions a friend, who says:

"Life gives to the giver"

Now, I don't want to put any words in their mouths or thoughts in their brains, but to me, that sounds a lot like the Rule of Reciprocation at work.

The term was coined by Robert Cialdini in his book Influence and it goes like this:

The rule (of reciprocity) says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided us.

You've probably experienced this in one way or another. Just like Voss and Huberman discuss in their conversation, when someone is kind to you, you want to be kind in return. This is how the rule of reciprocity works. It can form strong bonds.

But the Rule of Reciprocity also has a sinister side.

Cialdini goes on, saying

"There is an obligation to give, an obligation to receive, and an obligation to repay"

And it is the obligation to receive that can be used to create a debt you will be forced to repay later.

Has it ever happened to you that someone gave you something small, did you a small favour, just to turn around and ask you for something much bigger?

Someone on the street handing a little gift out to you, and then asking you to sign a petition, donate some money to their cause or do something else that is much bigger than the thing they did for you?

If so, then you have experienced the Rule of Reciprocity as a coercion tool, a hack to trick our bond-forming urges to work against our own interests.

Generosity is a wonderful thing. Kindness is a wonderful thing. I've been saying "Be Kind" for many years now as a response to practically every lament, complaint, request, praise, comment, criticism or idea. The Rule of Reciprocity is a wonderful thing. It's not as transactional as it sounds.

But it can also be exploited. It can be hacked, and we can be taken advantage of. That's something to look out for. Don't be tricked into seeing generosity where there is none.